Pretty People Poop

In event planning you are asked to do a lot of things that a) you would prefer not to do b) things that at one time called your nightmares home and c) things that stay etched in your mind no matter how hard you try to shake it off. This particular thing took place at a party, in the basement of an old church in a dark and scary bathroom.......


I was was well into my holiday party run and feeling the effects of late nights, loud music and using protein bars as my only source of nourishment. The event took place in an old church with a true nightclub vibe complete with music, lights, dancers (good, bad and ugly) and food to absorb all the alcohol. The usual suspects were there, Lindsay Lohan trainwrecks, Gotti brothers and the entire cast of the Hills.

The truth about event planning is that although the outside may be bright and shiny and planners put together beautiful parties and delicious meals they for the most part eat their dinner (if there is time) in the kitchen with the catering staff. In this case I was in such kitchen when I was approached by a staff person from the venue:
"Excuse me Event Planner Extraordinaire?" Actually, that is not really my name nor what he said but in this version of the story that is how it went.
"Yes?" I replied looking up from my cold bowl of twice heated soup
"We have a bit of a situation that needs your attention". The statement was a bit vague but the message was clear - it wasn't going to be pretty.
"What's up?" I responded
"There is a situation in the bathroom." Those words really only mean one thing......and that is when I got out my rubber gloves and bucket. Just kidding, but any event planner worth their salt travels with rubber finger protectors.
"Oh no, is someone sick?" suddenly my soup was not as appealing....
"No, they are not sick......" I noticed to use of the word 'they' and he continued "I need your help in the ladies room"

So I got up and followed the messenger into the washroom. As we approached and despite the ceilings vibrating with the base from the party there was still an unmistakable thumping coming from the direction we were headed that was not quite in tune.
"Right this way" the staffer told me as he opened the door to let me pass. His smirk was like braille for the blind as I understood the message. I was about to enter the Love Shak.
I slowly went into the washroom and at first didn't see anything. That turned out to be the problem.....the last stall on the left had 2.....no, wait.....4 feet! Sweet Jesus!!

Not sure whether to cry, laugh or just turn around, walk out the door and head to the nearest Starbucks for refuge I knocked on the stall. "Excuse me ziggy piggy perverts" (actually I didn't say it exactly like that) "Please come out".
I turned and gave my best 'I'm flight attendant, the plane is about to crash but I would love to get you a diet Coke' smile to my friend waiting at the door and knocked again -
"Excuse me, you need to come out. This is a ladies washroom and unless you're both wearing skirts, you need to take it outside". Not much of a response directed at me so I reverted to a tried and true method my mom taught me: " Ok you have until the count of 10 to come out of the washroom or security will be happy to help you" and the countdown began.

I left the washroom at that time leaving my invisible stop watch to its devices as I was feeling charitable and didn't want to shame Pamela and Tommy and headed back up the stairs. Feeling pretty good about my good deed and thinking how I could cash it in for at least a week I was about mid way up the staircase when a partygoer took the first step and then coasted down the rest on her bootylicious behind and crumpled to a messy pile of glitter, pleather and hairspray at my feet. Was this a gift from God specifically for me? Was this America's Funniest Home Videos moment intended for my amusement?
For a moment I thought about helping her up and continuing my good deed string but then remembered I had only a moment before had to break up a love fest in front of venue staff creating what I am sure is a story that will be repeated for years to come and changed my mind. I deserved a little something for me - a little private giggle and sweet revenge.

I generally do my best to be kind and helpful but the reality is that even the prettiest of people poop and this was a high fiber kind of day!